someone threw a dead crab at me
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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