Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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