I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Randomize
