Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
