Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
