Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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