We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize