dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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