I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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