Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
