I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
