Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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