somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
