textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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