Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
