my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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