There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
