I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
did i just pee glitter
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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