I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
