he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
