WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
