He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
