Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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