Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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