Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
