My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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