too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
