apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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