I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
