Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
