drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
