i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
