what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
