In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
