Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
