look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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