when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
