can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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