Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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