bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize