note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
