Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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