Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
