wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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