I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize