so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
