So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
ok first of all what the fuck
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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