I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just pynch a tree in the face
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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