I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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