I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I think I sprained my soul last night
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
