onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
My penis needs a shock collar
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
