shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
