I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize