home. puking in laundry basket.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize