In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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