Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
