THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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