Duck Duck Cougar?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
