I just pynch a tree in the face
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
