The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
