but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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